Stop Thinking About Me

I’ve been absent from my blog for a while.

I needed a break.

I needed a break from everything.

I needed a break from anything.

I needed a break from nothing.

Things with me have not been okay for a while. I have been dealing with depression.

It sucks.

I feel so much better now. Right now. At this very moment I feel great. What sucks is that there is this new feeling looming over me of “it may not last”. I have my life under control right now, what happens when I lose that control? …again.

I first struggled with depression during my pregnancy with Gray-bee. The weird thing about that was that it wasn’t postpartum depression. The depression hit me about halfway through my pregnancy and was gone shortly before I had Gray-bee.

Things were great after I had Gray-bee. I had more on my plate, but I was still a functioning mommy.

Then I became pregnant with Isobel.

And. Everything. Changed.

Suddenly I couln’t perform then smallest mommy task. Feeding my kids lunch was a burden. It didn’t have to be hard or difficult. I just didn’t want to do anything. I couldn’t do anything. It was all too much.

I did not understand what was happening during my pregnancy, but I thought it was just a part of pregnancy.

Then I had Isobel.

And it didn’t get better.

And then Isobel turned one.

And it still didn’t get better.

And then it started to get worse.

A lot worse.

I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t know what. I went to my doctor and he tried to prescribe me some anti-depressants, but why? I wasn’t depressed. I had everyting in life that I ever wanted. A husband that I adore. A husband that adores me. Four beautiful healthy children. A home. Awesome and supportive families (mine and Gary’s). Yet, I just wasn’t happy. How could I have everything that I ever wanted and still not be happy?

So I left his office without the prescription and I burst into tears because I didn’t have any answers.

And I stayed in denial for five more months.

Five months.

Five more months.

Five more months of hiding what life at our house was really like. Five more months of feeling like a stranger in my own body. Five more months of making excuses for why I wasn’t at church, why I wasn’t fulfilling my church callings, why I couldn’t make dinner, why the house was a disaster, why I was a disaster.

Then a friend looked me in the eye and told me that this was depression. And I fell apart. I fell apart because suddenly I knew it was true. Why could I accept it now, but not five months ago? She urged me to make an appointment with a doctor.

This was great advice. Too bad I was unable to pick up the phone and make an appointment. It was just too much. Too difficult. But also, too easy.

I didn’t want to go to the doctor and just have him prescribe me some anti-depressants and call it good. I wasn’t against taking anti-depressants, but I wanted to exhaust evey other option first and then have medication be my last resort. Miraculously when I explained this to my doctor he felt the same way. He suggested that I make a list of five things that I used to love doing and no longer participated in and make myself do one thing from my list each day. The other thing he suggested was therapy.

I had a plan. I would try the list idea first and if that didn’t work then I would give therapy a try.

It didn’t take long before I turned to therapy.

Therapy helped, but not in the way that I thought it would.

Continued in Part 2.

Halloween 2010. I had a vision in my head for each costume and I nudged each of my children until they gave in and let me have Halloween costume control.

For Liv I needed something not too hard since I knew Holden’s costume would be needing more attention so I talked her into being a Candy Corn. She loved the idea and was excited that her costume was the first one done. This was the easiest costume, I just used one of her dresses as a pattern guideline and threw it together.

I saw this idea last year and I knew I just HAD to make it this year for Holden. The awesomeness of this costume makes up for any nerdiness of my own. The “head” is made from a round (brand new) garbage can lid with felt hot glued to it. I was able to hand sew the details onto the head, but by the time I got to the body of the costume I ran out of time so I had to machine sew the details on so they are not as straight as I would have liked. I made the body of  the costume from felt and made it detachable so it can be cleaned. Holden was well loved by everyone on Halloween. He had so many kids calling out to him and giving him five. He loved it. It was a little difficult for him to function while wearing the costume at school, but it was easy to get on and off so it was not a problem. Isobel calls his costume “Bleep Bloop”.

My kids LOVE the Where’s Waldo books. They love looking for Waldo, Wenda, Odlaw, the Wizard and the dog. Sometimes we have to stop reading because of the fights it causes, “I WANTED TO FIND ODLAW!!”, “YOU FOUND WENDA LAST TIME!!!”, “I DIDN’T SEE THE DOG, WHERE IS IT!!!”, “LIV ALWAYS FINDS WALDO AND I NEVER GET TO!!!”  The volume almost always gets out of control and the book gets put away. Now that I think about it, what was I thinking? It’s like I’m trying to start a fight on Halloween letting Gray-bee dress up as Waldo. Good thing it worked out.

Isobel ALWAYS has crazy hair. We lovingly call it Donald Trump hair. It doesn’t matter how cute I style her hair in the morning, the back always ends up looking like Donald Trumps hair. Her crazy hair got me thinking of the perfect costume for my non princess girl. Nacho Libre.

I had so much fun making all of my kids costumes this year and I was actually able to make all of them. I didn’t have to  supplement with store bought costumes at all.

We hope you had as much fun this Halloween as we did! (My kids still haven’t figured out that we didn’t carve our pumpkins this year. Maybe we will decorate them to look like turkeys for Thanksgiving.)

I’m back. I know, it’s been a while. I needed a break. And now I need to get back to blogging.

I love Halloween. I love so many things about it. I love the candy, door to door trick or treating, handing out candy, fun baking, kids bringing home Halloween crafts made in school, family parties, and my most favorite thing of all… the costumes.

Halloween 1984. That’s me on the right. No, that’s not a wig. That mullet is ALL mine.

I love making my kids costumes, but I haven’t always made them. For Olivia’s first Halloween she was a gorilla. I found the costume online and instantly fell in love with it. I loved the gorilla chest and the soft fur. She wore this costume two years in a row.

Halloween 2005. I asked Liv what she wanted to be and she told me “Darth Bader”. I tried to talk her into being a girl, “How about Princess Leia?”, but she was adamant, “No, Darth Bader.” These were the first costumes I made and I had so much fun creating them. I love adding the little details like hair sticking out of Yoda’s ears and the wrinkles sewn on his hat.

Halloween 2006. Olivia was on a classic monsters kick. She loved the Wolfman, Dracula, the Invisible Man, the Mummy, and  Frankenstein. I made Olivia’s costume first and it took FOREVER to get the bandages sewn onto the sleeves. When I was putting things together for Holden’s costume I realized that I had most of the things for his costume and all I had to make was the frilly neck ruffle which actually makes him look less like )Dracula and more like Liberace. Gray-bee was going to be the Wolfman, but time is not a procrastinators best friend so he ended up in the Devil costume my mom bought “just in case”. Does the Devil count as a classic monster? This is also the year that I started making bags to match the costumes. Holden has a little coffin bag, Liv a bandage bag and Gray-bee a flame bag.

Halloween 2007. Holden’s favorite show was Lazy Town and the other kids liked it as well so we went with it. Olivia is Stephanie, Holden is Sportacus, and Gray-bee is Robbie Rotten. When the kids would sing the theme song they always used their own names. These costumes were so much fun to make. I don’t think I made their bags this year. I love how they captured Gray-bee’s meltdown perfectly in the second picture. Any time that Holden got a hold of a marker or pen during the next six months he always drew a Sportacus mustache on himself. He may have shown up at church more than once with “facial hair”.

Halloween 2008. I ran out of time and only made the boys costumes. Holden wanted to be Luigi and Gray-bee wanted to be Mario. Olivia is NOT a princess girl in any way, but for some reason she was willing to be Princess Peach so that she would “fit” the Nintendo theme. Isobel was going to be Toad with a little vest and a mushroom hat, but when I realized that there was no time for me to make another costume I grabbed the dragon costume I had in my Halloween box and we called her “Baby Bowser“. It’s called being flexible. (It happens sometimes.) Um, does anyone else think that Mario looks just like Hitler? The bags were fun to make as well. An invincibilty star, a 1-up mushroom, a fire flower, and a bomb. (I love how Holden hams it up in most of the pictures.)

Halloween 2009. I usually ask my kids what they want to be for Halloween and if I can’t picture the end result then I tell them to pick something else until I get a costume vision in my head. Olivia asked to be a dalmation. She was set on it and didn’t want to be anything else. For Holden he wanted to be Pee-Wee Herman. My sister Heather found the suit for a screamin’ deal and I used one of  my Grandpa’s bowties and he was set. Holden wanted to wear his costume ALL of the time and it was torture for him that I wouldn’t let him wear it until Halloween. He loved wearing it to church and if I set something else out he would get dressed into his Pee-Wee suit when no one was looking. The down side to his costume was that only two people recognized him as Pee-Wee Herman (which means that only two people were nerdy enough to get it). I wanted to make Isobel Princess Leia because I had a vision in my head for the buns (insert joke here)  and I talked Gray-bee into wearing the Darth Vader costume I had made for Liv a few years ealier. I did make him his own plush lightsaber and that made him very happy.  Liv was the only one to get a matching bag that year and it was a spotted bag to match her costume.

Stay tuned for Halloween 2010…

…it’s time to find the children.

Isobel woke up earlier than usual so she zonked out before her usual nap time. So naturally she found the comfiest spot in the house…. on the arcade control panel.

I took the kids to a city Easter Egg Hunt this year only to be disappointed in the city’s poor planning. By the time that we arrived (on time, you may not believe it, but it’s true) ALL of the eggs were gone. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.  A woman stopped us and forced her son to share some of the loot from his overflowing bucket with my four children.  I wish that I could say that my children were so grateful and shed a tear as they were thanking this giving young man, but the truth is that they were somewhat disappointed that all they got from him were crayons and pencils. What they really wanted was candy.

On our way out we got in line to get our free picture with the Easter Bunny. As the line is getting shorter I can hear Gray-bee, “I don’t want to see the Easter Bunny.” So of course I do what any loving mother would do. I threaten him and tell him that he is getting his picture with the Easter Bunny and he is going to like it! There may have been some kind of wire hanger reference in there, but I can’t be sure.

When it is our turn I shuffle the kids over to the second scariest alien bunny that I have ever seen (the first being when Liv was a newborn). Liv and Holden sit down and smile perfectly. Isobel immediately starts to cry and hates it. And then there is Gray-bee. What is there to say about the look on his face?… (Click on picture to enlarge)

It was so worth it.

I laid everything our the night before Gray-bee’s surgery so that I could let him sleep as long as he needed and we could just wake him up and go. At 9:30 am we woke up Gray-bee, put his slippers on him and snuggled him in his blanket, he is sleepy, but still has a huge smile across his face. We were ready to go, now all I need to do is grab my purse. In the time it takes me to walk to the next room and grab my purse Holden, who is at the table with Gray-bee, is all too eager to tell his little brother that surgery is where they cut you open with a knife and sew you up with a needle. When I return I catch the tail end of what Holden is telling his little brother and I see that Gray-bee is no longer sleepy. He is now wide awake and cowering, telling me, “I don’t want a surgery anymore.” Note to self: Stop telling Holden …ANYTHING.

Gray-bee fusses all the way to the hospital. He forgot he was supposed to be grumpy when he was playing with his Fillmore car in the waiting room. Don’t worry, he remembered again as soon as the nurse called us back.

Gray-bee is not happy. He grumps at the woman at the front desk. He grumps at the nurse taking his pulse and blood pressure. He grumps at the nurse who brings him his hospital gown. He grumps at the nurse who sets him up in his room. He grumps at the attending nurse. He grumps at the Anesthesiologist. He grumps at his surgeon. He grumps at me. Again, thank you Holden.

If there was any kind of hospital staff around, Gray was grumping at them. I got him to cheer up a little while we were waiting for the doctor, but it was gone as soon as the Anesthesiologist returned to take Gray-bee back for his surgery. I was surprised when the nurse asked him if he wanted a yellow balloon and he grabbed her hand immediately for her to lead the way. Stranger Danger does not cover yellow balloons. We’ll have to work on that.

It took exactly one hour and the doctor showed up to let me know that Gray-bee was in recovery and doing great. He was worried that Gray-bee would give him a little trouble once he was away from me, but he cooperated and did great. Note to self: Stock up on yellow balloons.

A male nurse carried him in all snuggled up in a warm blanket and handed me my baby. He started to fuss as soon as he caught sight of me, but calmed down immediately when he was snuggled in my arms. Note to self: stock up on anesthetics.

I noticed that he had a few needle stick marks on his arms and on his unbandaged foot. I know exactly what that means. Gray-bee has been “blessed” with my invisible veins. They tried in both of his arms and both of his ankles before they found a vein in his second foot. At least he was asleep when they started the IV. He hated having the IV in his foot. I asked the nurse when he could have his IV taken out and she told Gray-bee that as soon as he finished his full cup of apple juice then she would come and take it out and then she left. As soon as she was gone Gray-bee told me he was thirsty. I held the cup as he drank from the straw. He never took a breath. He tanked the whole thing. “Mom, now can you take it out of my foot?” Did I mention that he REALLY hated his IV?

The nurse was not prepared when she returned a few minutes later. She had to stall because Gray-bee wasn’t really ready to have his IV out, yet. She waited about ten minutes and then granted his request. She then walked him out to the nurses station to pick out a sticker to make sure he could walk on his own. He was a little unstable, but ready to go home.

Once I got Gray-bee home he was fine. In fact, you would never have known he even had surgery that day if it wasn’t for the small bandage by his eye. He has not had one bit of pain medication since he came home. He hasn’t even complained once about his eye. He loves to show everyone his “purple eye”. His surgery was on a Friday and by Sunday his left eye looked ready for a Vegas show. His entire left eyelid was a beautiful dark eggplant purple.

Day one – Surgery

Day two – Saturday

Day three – Sunday

Day four – Monday

After the surgery I asked the doctor if there was any way that Gray-bee could see his cyst. He closed his eyes and shook his head in a disappointed father sort of way and informed me that he already sent it to Pathology. Gee, I guess I don’t get my allowance this week.

Pathology results came back and everything was fine. Then they told me that his cyst had hair follicles on it. Hey Pathology, thanks for rubbing it in that I didn’t Gray-bee didn’t get to see his crazy awesome cyst with hair follicles. He’s a boy, he would probably want to see something gross. I have no excuse.

Gray-bee goes in for surgery today. He will have his “pancake” removed around 10:00AM. The hospital schedules the youngest patients first so they would not give us a firm surgery time until 3:00PM the day before his scheduled surgery. Since we didn’t know what time to plan for, Gary just took the whole day off from work so that I can go with Gray-bee to the hospital and Gary will stay with the other three kids.

The surgery staff suggested that we keep Gray-bee up late so he will wake up later. This is suggested because he is not allowed to eat from midnight until after his surgery. The later he wakes up the less time he will be awake and hungry. Gary and I put the other three kids to bed and I took Gray-bee grocery shopping with me. He thought it was fun because it was just the two of us. Plus I bought him an ice cream cone (before midnight, of course).

I have his “slippy” blanket, a Hot Wheels car, and Darth Vader slippers ready for him to take to the hospital. When I bring him home he will have a tough guy eyebrow scar to go with his tough guy Kirk Douglas chin.

I do not love Holden’s medicine. I am very pleased that it stopped his seizures, but I could do without the side effects. More specifically, the aggresive behavior. I needed something that would get Holden moving (tire him out) and somthing that he would love. Easy, sign that kid up for soccer.

Holden has always loved sports. He wants to be a part of any kind of sport-ish game that he sees kids playing. The notice for soccer sign ups came home in Liv’s back pack and I immediately went to the local Rec Center and signed him up. Holden was so excited when we bought his uniform (he wants to wear it ALL the time). His favorite part about his uniform are his shin guards. I’m sure he loves them because he thinks it allows him to kick kids in the shins.

Holden loved kicking the ball.

Do you remember how I was telling you how Holden loved his shin guards? I love how in this video that one of the kids gets kicked in the shins (black shorts, light blue shirt, white socks kid) and you can see Holden (blue uniform, orange sleeves) trying to show this kid that he needed shin guards. Pay attention aroung 1:37. (I just re-read that and it sounds like I said, “I love kids getting kicked in the shins!” what I meant was that I love how Holden ran over to “help”)

My heart melted as I watched Holden run over to his team mate on the side lines recovering from getting kicked in the shin. He knelt down to talk to him and I was so proud of my little boy. I asked him later what he was saying and he told me that he was telling his team mate that he needed to get shin guards. So much for melting my heart, now I’m laughing. He really does love his shin guards.

The weather is warming up, but still cold so I made Holden some hot chocolate in his blue Thermos. He thought it was so special to have hot chocolate in his Thermos and he loved that Liv couldn’t have any. Well, Liv didn’t like this at all. She is a sneaky little punk and even though I have it on video I didn’t notice Liv in the background with Holden’s Thermos. I was so focused on Holden and I was wondering why Holden was paying more attention to Liv than his soccer game. She was so distracting during Holden’s practice, she will not be coming to the next practice if I can help it.

That poor kid got kicked in the shins for a second time and you can see his mom (the coach) carrying him across the field as he is wailing about how everyone else has shin guards and he doesn’t. I think his mother hates me.

Holden has his first game on Tuesday and he is so excited to go play soccer again.

Holden was King Goalie!

It didn’t take long for these two to figure out that they were friends. (You know he’s a keeper if he shares his ice cream with you.)

Who would have thought that these two would get along with each other so well?

Who better to help calm the first day jitters than your BCF? (Best Cousin Forever… I just made that up)

“Mom, I mostly play with Taft at school because I like him the best.”

The Princess Tomboy and the Little Charmer are the best of friends.

And to think, I was hoping Korby would have a girl six weeks after I had mine.

BFF’s

Now if someone could please explain to Gray-bee and Welly that it’s okay to be friends with your cousin…

Holden cut his hair… AGAIN!!! This makes self haircut number four. Shaving his head completely bald obviously did nothing (although it was fun to run your hand over his head). He is driving me crazy with the crazy haircuts he keeps giving himself!

I needed something to keep Holden from doing this again.

Something de-motivating.

Something… embarrassing.

That’s when I decided to “fix” Holden’s haircut.

My goal was to give him a goofy haircut that would embarrass him into never cutting his hair again. Guess what? He loves it. He thinks it’s cool that his haircut makes people laugh. He wasn’t sure at first, but after his uncles reactions he decided that he loved the attention. I sure taught him myself a lesson.

Maybe he just wants to be like his daddy.